where do i go?

[i turn to you like a flower leaning towards the sun, i turn to you cos you're the only one who can turn me around when i'm upside down...]

as i type this i notice that my right thumb is starting to shake...
and this may be due to the fact that i just finished talking to my eldest sister.

for all of u who knows what i'm talking about.. what i planned to talk to my sister about..
well.. it's done.
she agreed to... but just a little bit...
not even half... but moolah is moolah.
and i need it.
so i accepted... so thank you so much.. its something i will remember and appreciate always.
but that's not to say she didn't ask 4999 questions prior to offering it.
all her questions...
i dont know... it was so unbearable to hear it..
eventually i cried... but i quickly wiped it away and sucked it up so she wouldn't hear.
to those of you who don't understand my relationship my family... well... dulu2 of course la ade nangis2 kan sbb budak2 lagi... but now...
i hardly show my feelings anymore... they don't know if my heart terase ke... they don't know if i'm sad or if i disagree.
of course there are those little outbursts and arguments with other siblings... but i have never disrespected my eldest sister.. i may argue with my mom sometimes.. but of course i always regret it.
sorry for going off topic.. but let's return.

i felt like i had nobody.
i even told her that i'm not the kind of person who would ask.
and cara dia ask me pon.. it was like she didn't trust me and i will always be the irresponsible youngest sister...
i'm always scared of her hating me...
i don't want her to hate me.
she's the patient type.. and quiet..
so if she really hates someone and loses her patience.. it must be hell.
sometimes i even get jealous of her relationship with ana.. because i feel left out of that sisterly love... stupid kan?

i don't know...
i'm just filled with emotions now..
no it's not PMS!
and i can't seem to stop it.
i have no one to turn to.
i have no where to hide.
just behind locked doors... and the rest of the time .. i just tell myself to put on a smile.

my eldest sister used to be the only one that i cud tell anything to.
without laughing at me, instead she laughs with me.
what happened to the sister that i used to know?
and where did she go?
if she's not there anymore... it's like i have nobody else.
i used to think that the bond i had with her was strong.

i guess that was just me.

[i hope someday if you lost your way you would turn to me like i turn to you...]

<3 suryani

pop that bottle

boleh spell out TENSION tak?????

cos that's how i feel today.
tensen... frustrated... cam nak bunuh smue org in my way!
and on top of that... i fell asleep cos i needed it all to go away for a moment..
but when i woke up.. terkejut ngn bunyi yg sgt makes u wanna go suicidal.
like my ym status says.. ade swine kt rumah ni yg tgh suffer. that's how it sounds like.
but actually.. it was someone's laugh that made me wanna go stab her 9,999 times in the HEART!

lagi satu pasal fundraising bbq ni.
it's on a day following 3 whole weeks that i had so many assignments to hand in ...
kadang2 rase mcm... nak quit je. quit on life okay~

then there's the assignment that i'll have to hand in on a Business Plan case.
where we have to find out the costs of what we're designing.
soooooooo many numbers!
apekahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
architecture ke niiiiiiii... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
mmg la architecture... tp.. :( there should be a whole subject on this instead of just one workshop.

hmmm..
i should watch The Big Bang Theory now..
i started watching it yesterday... and im already up to season 2.
it makes me laugh. and that's what i need.
something funny to layan.

<3 suryani