scraps of garbage.

i know i haven't been in here for so long.
but i just needed an escape from everything else.

i don't know how much more i can take before i break down.
break down and cry my heart out.

i used to be one of those unable-to-socialize type of girl, with a book always in hand, and earphones to block out everything else but music.
i used to be one of those quiet ones.
and i used to think that was the me that no one wanted to approach.

but now, i've grown into a person with much more confidence.
i don't look down as often when i walk, i walk with my chin up and head high.
i don't want to take shit from anyone, because i've been stomped on far too many times.
so my mind and my guts eventually learned to detect bullshit.
but so often my heart... yes i actually have a heart.. tells me otherwise.
and i end up believing in the positive.
when all it comes to prove in the end is the negative that i have always thought of was true, is true, and will always be true.

confidence.
do people see that as a threat?
or do people see that as a negative thing?
sure, when you have too much of it.
i am still far from having too much.
i still don't have enough!
but it seems that people mistake my confidence and trust for bitchy-ness, untrustworthy, and a liar.

i tried to not think about this too much.
because of what happened before with another friend,
i learned to calm my thoughts down.
but one little thing can change everything.
and that one thing, happened this late noon.
when that one glance, just ruined my mood... and had me breaking down inside and wanting to run off to be by myself.
how could someone i thought i could count on so easily ignore me, like i never mattered, like i'm a piece of shit?
i know, you shouldn't keep those friends right?
but for some reason, my guts tell me that there's something wrong, and i should get to the bottom of it.
but i have no idea how.
sigh...

how insignificant i am, that my existence seem to matter less and less each day.

<3 suryani

ell oh vee eee~

the word love has never been a problem with my best friends.
i love them unconditionally, and yea sometimes i get stuck saying it,
but i never feel weird saying it to them :)
because i know they truly love me back.

throughout this rough time,
i just need some friends to get me through these rough waters.
it's gonna take time, but i hope to get through it with them by my side in the end.

<3 suryani