abandonment issues.

get ready for a really long entry. an entry that might allow you to get to know me a little bit more.

u know what kind of makes me hate myself?
hate my life sometimes?

is when i think about what could have happened.

this mostly happens when i log into facebook.
i see all my friends from previous schools.
so all these questions come up in my mind..
then i start imagining how my life would be.

what if i never left ISKL?
would i still be great friends with these people that i often see photos of?
having fun... stylish but at the same time not really stylish.
it's just what they wear... so to them it's just something simple.
care-free.
dont think about what others think about them.
having a large circle of friends that support you in whatever you do and actually give you encouragement.

what if i never left laguardia high school?
not to brag, but just to introduce the story so you know...
i was in honor classes for both french and math.
so... would my french be fluent?
would i be a math genius?
i've always loved math.. but ever since i graduated high school...
it all left.
i mean.. i don't learn it much in my course now.
would i still be studying in the states?
would i be going back to new york every winter break?

when i look at all the pictures..
it makes me hate my life.. where i am standing now.
okay.. let me story a little bit.

i've never stayed in a country for more than 4 years at a time.
it's always 4 yrs here... then 2 yrs back in malaysia.
then off to another country for 4 yrs.. then back to malaysia for 2 yrs.
and it continues.
i've never lived in malaysia for more than 6 years in total.
those 2 yrs going back and forth?
add them up and you'll get... give or take about 6 years.
do you know how hard it is for a kid to cope with the surroundings and make new friends?
be comfortable with those friends?
love those friends?
then to have it all taken away cos their parents have to move to another country?

i would have to say ISKL and LaGuardia High School were the 2 most lovable schools for me.
those were places i had real good friends.
i had 4 best friends in ISKL.
i still remember how we all met.
we did everything together.
we always had sleep overs.
we car-pooled.
we gossiped.
we even made prank calls to whoever each other had a crush on.
i still remember... i made a call to a guy called Tod for one of my best friends called Karin.
i was stupid back then. haha.
so i never thought to disguise my voice or anything.
Tod immediately recognized my voice.
and i think i was like..."what?? no... " trying to cover up.
but it didn't work.
obviously when the next day in school he looked at me weirdly.
hahaha.

but you know,
all those days had to go..
when i had to leave for new york.
nobody in the class knew i was gonna leave.
it was over the summer.
once 7th grade started... my name was called out to give my class schedule.
but my best friends had shouted out that i had left.
they told me that some people asked questions and some were surprised.
it kind of made me sad.
cos afterwards... our friendship broke apart.
one started to go one way..
the 2nd started to go another way...
and you know how it goes.
we weren't the same anymore.

i visited once afterwards.
but only a few people remembered me.
there were already new students in the class.

LaGuardia.
it's actually a question of .. what if i never left new york.
i had really good friends there too.
the ones who stick out for me...
who even spent my last day right after school with me.
bought me presents and had a going away event for me.
to list some... christine, arielle, leandro, cristina, stephanie, nicole, barry, bernard, jose, jessica, eghe...
the ones i usually chill with and talk to.
there were so many more.
having fun and wasting our time in the double period art class. (since i was an art major)
helping each other out during other classes..
doing our own thing and not listening to the teachers in biology..history...
making fun of the chemistry teacher who was gay (no problem with gay people) and using terms "this guy" and "that guy" for particles (which is what we had a problem with).
it was like "this guy crowds around that guy and they hold on to each other very tight which makes it a something-or-other bond."
lol
sticking with each other for lunch periods cos we wouldn't all have the same lunch time.
we went shopping right after classes..
it's new york.
you can go shopping on any street.
taking the subway and making so many noises like it was just us and no one else.
i remember once we had a whole car to ourselves.
i don't remember why though.
we ran around, climbed the seats, took pictures... sang.. shouted.

but all of that is gone.
only about 3 of them still keep in touch.
and that's if they see an update and then they would remember.
i remember.. arielle cried cos her mom wouldn't let her spend my last day with me around the city.
when we had to send christine home cos her mom wouldn't let her out too long..
we all cried on the sidewalk next to the sago (bubble tea) shop.
arielle was the first person i called and cried to when i found out i had to leave for south africa.
i was mad at my parents.
but no matter how much i cried...
no matter how red my face gets...
no matter how hard it was for me to breathe...
i couldn't change their mind to let me stay.

now that's all gone.
i was never that close to the friends in AISJ in south africa.
they were already a clan before i got there so i sort of just a visitor, an extra.
i had problems before.
of being social.
i was shy, liked to keep to myself... and kind of a loner.
now im starting to get better ..social-wise.
but there's still a part of me that's not so accepting of other people.
i kind of get mad and sensitive when there's an issue of abandoning friends.
or even if i feel abandoned just a little bit.
cos that's what's been happening to me since i was small.
not by family. but by friends who i really connected with.
of course i couldn't blame them.
it wasn't them that had to move away.

a long time ago, there used to be a time when i was friends with every ethnicity.. a variety of nationalities.
now i'm in a place where it's kind of hard to make friends with other nationalities.
but thankfully i have my malaysian buddies.
there used to be a time when i go out, it would be with a circle of friends that always remember to let me in.
but now mostly its just about 3-4 people?
sometimes there are those gatherings that we plan.
we go bowling... go sight seeing.
crabbing. cooking together then eating together.
the villagers and some others, when they're there.
those are the times i really love.
when you get home you have someone to talk to.
i'll have to pass someone's door.
i don't even get to put my bag down or change my clothes...and we're already talking in the hallway.
when there's so many people around you.
you feel that if you fall... there will always be a friend around to hold on to.

but then.
if i never left iskl...
if i never left new york...
who know's where i'd be?
i might not be as successful at continuing my studies as i am now.
i might not be as independent as i am now.
i might not be able to meet the friends i have made in australia.
i might not have met my B.
i might not be as lucky as i am now.

most important of all,
i might not be the person i am today.

so it kind of balances out.
when i think of all the what-ifs...
there's always the "might nots" that will balance it out.

p.s. sorry for the random blog entry. i had just logged into facebook. haha.

p.p.s. just so that no one gets the wrong idea about this blog.. i meant to say that i cherish the moments and the friends. then. and now. :) <3 suryani

i actually wanted to update this blog with something more... fun to read about.
like the suasana of boxing day in Dublin, Ireland.
but i lost my train of happy thoughts...
kind of lingered into a bad mood.
so strike that.

but then i wanted to watch something.
anything before i sleep.
so i went to youtube.
looked into x-factor videos.
then ended up with akademi fantasia videos.
i know.
WTFISHHHHHH??!!!! right?

i don't know what got into me.
i never followed AF6.
i didn't even know it was up to 6.
i just searched and it only went up to 6.
i don't even know who the winner is.
i don't even wanna know who the winner is.

but i'll tell you what..
it made me laugh real hard.
like.. ROFL... as i am currently lying on the floor.
i donno lah.
it was fun to watch and follow.. maybe during the first 3 seasons?
or maybe just the first two.
but now it's just... mere entertainment.
not-looking-for-a-potential-singing-celebrity kind of crap.
they even have people winning things if they vote thru sms the most.
like... winning... big, expensive things.
i think a car... or an apartment.
whatever shiyat.
but D-UH!
who wouldn't want to vote?!

but whatever it is,
it was fun to watch.
very entertaining.
let's all audition for it, shall we?
it's an experience, we know that much.

and who knows...maybe we can learn better from it.

<3 suryani

kerayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyzee!

so.

it's the 12.04am which officially brings us 4 minutes into boxing day :D
i'm not entirely sure what day boxing day is...
some says it's a day after christmas...
some say it's on the 27th...
so for me.. as long as the sale starts... i don't care!

yesterday we went to Kildare Village, a shopping outlet...
not so big compared to New Jersey's Woodbury Common Outlet.. i think that's what it's called.
been a while since i've been there... so don't remember it as much.
but what i know was the shopping there was WONDERFUL.
anyway...
back to Kildare Village.
since my two sisters didn't come along...because there wasn't enough room in the car and the other one is still dalam pantang...
shopping with my parents and brother was no fun.
everyone wants to rush.
the first store we hit was Polo Ralph Lauren...and i got lined up to pay for the winter scarf i wanted...
everyone else except my mom waited outside.
then when i got to the counter i asked the lady if this particular bag was on sale because it wasn't indicated.
she asked me to show it to her and she'll scan and see.
fortunately for me it was!!!
i asked my mom if i could buy it.. and she was contemplating..
becoming very the runsing one and finally just said yes.
so i just swiped my credit card haha.
then when my dad found out.. he was already a little upset with that tone of his that makes us know that he thinks it's unnecessary and he didnt say it directly but it was obvious they don't want me to be buying anymore.
i went into other stores of course but didn't go through thoroughly because i knew if i liked something.. they wouldn't let me buy it.
so we may have stayed.. paling lama 1 hour...
then we left.
me with just two items.
which sucks.
big time!

now.. today... the sale officially starts.
yesterday only a few stores were open.
kildare village being one of them.
on the 27th... the store NEXT is known for it's extra-early opening time.
5am!!!!
but listen... the branch near to where i live... it opens at 4am!!!
hehehe.
since no guy in this house wants to wake up that early for shopping (big shocker...-_-!)
a friend of my sister's has offered to bring us!!
because she had no geng utk teman...
but we're not going at 4. we're actually arriving there at 5.
hopefully the good things aren't gone yet.
believe me.. thousands of people are already crowding outside the store at 3.59am.
probably even before that.
even as the security gate of the store goes up halfway.. people are already ducking down underneath to get inside.
sheesh!

so yeah.
hopefully...
i'll be satisfied with my shopping for today :D

til then...

<3 suryani

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas... everywhere you go... :)

this blog... even though my family doesn't read it..
i'd like to give a shoutout on this very special day for these two people:

HAPPY 3-YR ANNIVERSARY
to my Kaklong, my eldest sister, Suraya Kamarudin, and my brother-in-law, Farid Kadir.

i just came back from pushing Qystina on her little pooh bear bicycle.
she's so cute.
she doesn't know how to paddle, so she just puts her feet up and pushes the buttons that plays the honking sounds and the pooh bear songs.
lol.
she's been couped up in the house for a few days already.
so her mom felt bad.. and just wanted to bring her out of the house to breathe in some fresh air.

then her dad came home and brought flowers for my sister.
awww..
im telling you guys out there... it's not that hard to buy gifts for a girl.
because there's so many variety of things...
but it's the simplest thing that makes it feel so special and sweet.
now.. buying gifts for guys is hard.
because there's so little to choose from.
it's always... wallet, clothes, (sometimes)pants, cologne(rarely), tie...
and the cycle continues.
kalau perempuan.. senang je...
beli la.. one dozen bunga jenis yg dia suke...
a card that expresses ur feelings towards her...
and maybe a cute and cuddly teddy bear.
but then again.. who knows. maybe it's the same situation for guys.
maybe they think because that's all us girls ever get for gifts.. they need to find another idea...
then complications arise. haha..

anyway.. i'd like to put a picture up of what happened to qystina earlier this morning.
but it's still in my camera and hasn't been uploaded yet.
she bumped into the edge of the dinner table and she hurt her eye lid.
now it's just a little swollen and she has one sepet eye.
she's so cute with big beautiful eyes and a little talkative...
when u see her bouncing around the house... with her sepet eye.. it just makes u feel bad.
but she'll be okay.
she's a strong girl :)

p.s. Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it :) the christmas environment here is really great. the decorations are wonderful. but nothing beats Christmas in New York. wish i was there again...

p.p.s. to khai: final straw tu.. straw yg paleng last la. hahaha. xde la.. it means.. like.. i'm not gonna take it anymore la. mcm tu last chance la yanie kasi die...hope that explains it. sorry kalau x berape make sense. hahaha

<3 suryani

it's the final straw!

even though i just updated a while ago...
i just needed to say this...

i'm feeling very inspirational.
at this very moment.

i felt a little bit bad about how i acted just now..
the thing that led me to write up my previous blog entry...
there was actually more of a split personality going on in my mind.
i felt bad.. but then i know i'm not supposed to because i'm not wrong.
i know the other person is wrong... but then i know i should've just let it go cos i know these people are like this.
argh.
u see what goes on in my head????
this is why i get crazy sometimes.

anyway...
although that was all happening...
i now feel very inspirational...
i'm gonna show those who thought very low of me..
who never thought i had it in me to do this.
just watch.
this isn't a threat.
but a caution to take.
just so you're not too shocked when i've finally done it.

<3 suryani

not okay.

fcuk.
and when you scramble the words around... you get.....????
come on, be smart.

do not wrongly misinterpret someone.
do not FITNAH anyone when you haven't seen it for yourself.
this just gets me more annoyed than i already am.

aku hilang kejap je... dh cari aku.
hello? am i getting paid to help you?
no. i'm doing it willingly for nothing.
please appreciate my kindness.

on another note:
18 more days.
woah. didn't know time went by so fast.
the way i looked at it... i thought it was gonna be a while til i leave.
but now that i've counted and typed it, 18 days isn't that long!

til then, :)

<3 suryani

sedangkan ku tahu sikapnya begitu.

hate is a strong word.
strong enough to use it now.

boleh rase the aura just turned really strange.
silent.
and full of....
HATE!

some people just can't think right.. you know?
dah lulus kolej.. uni...dah start keje dah pon
but still acting like...
an airhead? a dumb bitch? like everything revolves around them?

wanting to be like others.
is it such a great thing?
can't you be your own individual?
made up of your own personality?
don't you think if you act like someone else, dress like someone else...
it's just all fake...
and the people who claimed to be your friends are only friends with you for the person you are NOT?
okay la. belit2 sket...
but you get the gist of it righT?

i'm not writing this randomly.
i just hate those kind of people.
and on top of that...suke tipu lak tu!!!
tipu.. tak reti nak cover.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

then when this happens..
everyone's mood changes.
and it affects everyone else around them!
for some reason when you're angry or annoyed.. all that emotion seems to be thrown towards the wrong person.
aiyo.

<3 suryani

and i open my eyes.

good morning!
not so much on the good...

i don't understand why people can't be more open-minded about life.
about people...
and about the culture today.
i mean... yea... things are changing.
sure... mostly not for the good.
but not all.
being open-minded about life now and being accepting to several new things might give you a new look on life.

why are parents still match-making their children without the children's knowledge?
why are parents still forcing children to marry partners they don't care for or don't even know.
at such a young age.
maybe that was the way of life back then.
but now... people actually find love first and then decide whether they want to marry or not.
i know. not all do this... but most. maybe half.
and maybe it's still acceptable today.. but if the child was.. say... 40yrs old and still a bachelor/ette.
isn't it experience that allows us to learn from our mistakes?
so what happens when there's no dipping your toe in the water first?
what if you just dive full in?
not knowing what's underneath.

why do people still look at physical appearance to decide whether a person is good enough or not?
evil or good?
believe me, i've met my fair share of people that fit the saying "don't judge a book by its cover."
and not in a good way.
the youth these days know how to get away with things.
if it's appearance that helps people make their judgments...
then it's the appearance that the youth have to fake.
so many kids are corrupted now...
what... with... TV shows... wanting to live like celebrities, wanting to look like them... do what they do... and think that that is what's the "in" thing.
seeing other people on TV from other countries and thinking "wow. our country is just not modern enough. THAT country on tv shows what we really have to do and what's cool.
screw that.
you can think that... but don't make that a reality to you.
appearance doesn't matter in most situations.
try to set up a spy camera that goes around with a particular person for one day and see what they're really about when people aren't around.
people that they don't have to impress.

okay. that might have been a rougher topic to start the blog with...
but i thought of writing just a paragraph down to summarize it all.
apparently as i was typing, i felt so strongly, i had to say it all.

on another note:
the baby is home.
still no name.
all we know is it's gonna be Muhammad (something) Haqimie.
kot.

my brother's here too.
he arrived earlier this evening.
for some reason, Qystina has been acting up.
and she's really afraid of my brother.
kesian pakngah dia.
he came in the door and wanting to hug her.
he was so excited and went to hug her but then she ran away like she was in shock and scared.
along the way she ran into Qimi's moses basket, which rocked him a little but thankfully he didn't wake up.
apparently, my dad showed Qys a picture of her and my brother when she was younger...
and my brother's weird expression in the picture scared her.
before that she was just fine.
everytime the phone rang and my brother called she'd want to talk to pakngah.
or when she's playing with her toy phone we'd ask her who she's calling and she'd say "pakngah!"
and my brother bought her a cute sheep-shaped pillow.
i want it!
when my brother told me to pass it to her and tell her that pakngah gave it..
she started to cry.
cos she heard the word "pakngah".
haish.
strange little girl.
strange. and and a scaredy cat.

<3 suryani

happy news :)

i'm here for a special occasion! :D

my sister has finally given birth to her second child, my first nephew!!!

the name hasn't been confirmed yet.
weight is 3.48kg.
a little bit heavier than qystina was.
gooD!
which means qystina's just naturally big.
hahaha...

anyway...
we'll be visiting her later this afternoon.
and i'll update with pictures k!

*****UPDATE*****

1:40pm Ireland Time







name hasn't been finalized. haha.

<3 suryani

what's in your head?

haish.

i never get to update on the day itself.
because i'm too lazy to upload the pictures right away.

anyway,
my dad made apam balik yesterday...
the one that i tried to do during hari raya, if i'm not mistaken, last year.
the one where the first batch turned out kind of okay just had to stay on the stove longer.. and the second batch stuck onto the pan like dirty-sidewalk-gum on the bottom of your shoe.
but my dad's turned out perrrrrrrrrfect!
which means now i know exactly what i did wrong...
and i can make them next year!!!
yay! :D





aside from that,
life's been pretty boring lately.
there's kind of no difference between living in Adelaide and living here.
only in Adelaide i can go out whenever i feel like it and walk anywhere.
here.. there's all the complications of having to walk in the ICE COLD weather and having to take public transportation (which, btw, i do NOT know how to take)
or having to wait for my sister to decide to go out and to have her husband agree to go out too cos he usually drives the car.

sigh.
so yea, we went out today after being trapped inside for too long.
went out to dundrum to bring my parents see where ana worked.
and i did a little shopping.
puas hati la sikit. i got a couple of things from Bershka and Zara.

waiting for Boxing Day je ni

<3 suryani

it's that happy feeling~

welllllll
helllllooooooooooooowwww!!!

i've been meaning to update with a blog about Hari Raya Haji...
but the house has been so busy and chaotic lately since my parents arrived.
and with qystina screaming around...

anyway...
we had our open house here...and invited a few families.
i helped my dad make his infamous Laksam and Nasi Kerabu.
since we didn't have the ingredients to make the blue rice...we made it yellow.
it was still good.


that laksam was actually made from scratch okay!!


kak fida made this delicious chocolate cake for us :D


qystina's baju kurung was soooooooooooo pretty!!! but a little tight around the tummy. hahaha. qystina's got a "peyut mok mok" as she calls it. hahaha.


this is qystina, husayn, and ameera. their family was the first one to come since kak nana was really craving for my dad's laksam and nasi kerabu. comel gile tgk tiga org ni!


qystina dah pandai posing dah skang... she's posed in so many pictures but i can only put up a few. nanti ter-over la plak kan...



and one more picture:


comel gile kan?!!!!!
she salam-ed everyone and even stayed in the position to pose for the camera!!
and of course we cheered her on so that she would...
then she started cheering herself on and clapping everytime she does it.
hahaha.

it was a pretty tiring day.
but it felt so wonderful.
much better than the feeling of Hari Raya Aidilfitri in Adelaide recently.
it felt more...RAYA-like. :p

<3 suryani

a wonderful world.

hellllooooowwww peopleeeeeeeeeeeeeee...~
i like to eat eat eat apples and bananassssss...
i like to eat eat eat apples and bananasssssssss...

qystina's cd of children's songs is stuck in my head.
the same songs are played everytime we get into the car.
something to do with eating apples and bananas...
something to do with "what a big surpiseeee!!"
itsy bitsy spider...
and the one about ants marching.
aiyayayayaaaaa~

anyway, yesterday was Ameera Harith's 6th birthday
and her mom hired a fairy princess for an hour to entertain them.



that's the bday girl and her bday cake.



that's the fairy princess. do not ask me ANYTHING. yes, i know she doesn't even look like one, except for her dress. and that doesn't even fit her!



there's that little girl... my little niece...yang sgt nakal.





the bday girls' mom baked these and decorated them all by herself! lawa gile!



dengan muke mengantuk... die still nak main2



the last time i saw this little girl, Alani, she was still a baby. now she's about the same age as qys kot but her head's full of beautiful volumnous hair!!



here's another naughty little girl. naira putri. as qys calls her ... putti. haha.

on another note:
we're preparing for Hari Raya Aidiladha.
as i've mentioned before, the first time in foreverrrrrrrrrr that i'm celebrating it with my family! (minus my brother).
i'm helping my dad make laksam and nasi kerabu!!!
will update with pictures! :)

til then...
selamat hari raya aidiladha to everyone :)

<3 suryani

light up, light up.

nothing much to update on.
it's the same everyday.

only qystina's getting much more used to me.
when i'm not there... she's always asking "mane acu?"
and she's hugging me more..
letting me put her diaper on for her..

the christmas decorations here are so beautiful.
i mean.. i finally saw the ones they put up in adelaide...
but it just isn't the same without the winter feeling.
christmas in summer is weird for me.
never got used to it, probably never will.
it's really really cold now.
almost everyday's been ICY cold.

can't wait for boxing day.
haha... it's gonna be kerayyyyyyyyyyyyyzie!!~
although this time i won't try to get that tax-back thing for everything.
that woman at the airport gave me such a hard time with the forms last year.
and i'm afraid to do it again now.
maybe just a few.
since i need the money.
hehe.

my parents are arriving soon.
this weekend.
my first raya... okay.. raya haji... with the family.
the last time we spent raya aidilfitri as a family was in 2006 when qys was born.
now we're celebrating raya aidiladha together.
the last time we did that.. was ... in 1999?
lol...

i'll end with this picture.



<3 suryani

it's just not the same, it's not.

sorry that i haven't updated lately,
but i've been layan-ing this little kid so much that at my extra time,
i have other stuff to update.
then when i want to update this blog,
there'd be someone here with me...someone who i don't want them to know about the existence of this blog.
nanti hari-hari dia datang and i won't be able to talk about the stuff that i usually talk about here.

so qystina.
she's such a big girl now...
she talks so much...
sometimes things that we don't even understand.
like.. just now for example.
she was saying something.. she wanted something...
all we understood was "qystina nak..."
then the rest of it just became baby talk.
haha.
sometimes...i feel bad for her.
i mean, think about it.
what if you were in her place?
you wanted something.. and people were misinterpreting whatever you were saying?
or sometimes they'll make a weird face, like they don't understand.
which was what i did to qys.
she was repeating it over and over, and i just started to think about this.
kadang2 rase kesian jugak kt dia ni...

she's starting to become used to having me around.
before this she wouldn't want me to carry her..
she wouldn't sit around and play around the room with me.
but now most of the time i hear her say "mane acu??"
i thought... what if i left in january.. and she asked that question?
kesian jugak kat budak2 ni kan?
they don't understand what's happening around them.
one minute they're calling someone their acu and running to the my bedroom to find me
and the next they run to the bedroom and find it's empty...
and then they cry.

then it's gonna take another whole year to see her again...
and it's gonna take just the same amount of time for her to get used to me again.
maybe even longer cos she'd be bigger...
and more malu with strangers.

i felt the baby move.
everytime he hears his sister's voice shouting..
that high-pitched voice,
he'd start kicking around.
there's this hard(er) part of my sister's tummy.
she says that's the baby's bum. Hahaha...
can't wait for him to come :)

in the meanwhile...







she let me kiss her and stayed in the pose for the picture. :)
and that's the sweater that i bought her :D
she really loves it! :p

<3 suryani