scraps of garbage.

i know i haven't been in here for so long.
but i just needed an escape from everything else.

i don't know how much more i can take before i break down.
break down and cry my heart out.

i used to be one of those unable-to-socialize type of girl, with a book always in hand, and earphones to block out everything else but music.
i used to be one of those quiet ones.
and i used to think that was the me that no one wanted to approach.

but now, i've grown into a person with much more confidence.
i don't look down as often when i walk, i walk with my chin up and head high.
i don't want to take shit from anyone, because i've been stomped on far too many times.
so my mind and my guts eventually learned to detect bullshit.
but so often my heart... yes i actually have a heart.. tells me otherwise.
and i end up believing in the positive.
when all it comes to prove in the end is the negative that i have always thought of was true, is true, and will always be true.

confidence.
do people see that as a threat?
or do people see that as a negative thing?
sure, when you have too much of it.
i am still far from having too much.
i still don't have enough!
but it seems that people mistake my confidence and trust for bitchy-ness, untrustworthy, and a liar.

i tried to not think about this too much.
because of what happened before with another friend,
i learned to calm my thoughts down.
but one little thing can change everything.
and that one thing, happened this late noon.
when that one glance, just ruined my mood... and had me breaking down inside and wanting to run off to be by myself.
how could someone i thought i could count on so easily ignore me, like i never mattered, like i'm a piece of shit?
i know, you shouldn't keep those friends right?
but for some reason, my guts tell me that there's something wrong, and i should get to the bottom of it.
but i have no idea how.
sigh...

how insignificant i am, that my existence seem to matter less and less each day.

<3 suryani

ell oh vee eee~

the word love has never been a problem with my best friends.
i love them unconditionally, and yea sometimes i get stuck saying it,
but i never feel weird saying it to them :)
because i know they truly love me back.

throughout this rough time,
i just need some friends to get me through these rough waters.
it's gonna take time, but i hope to get through it with them by my side in the end.

<3 suryani

damp pillows.

so many things that i haven't said to you,
but that's because i know it will hurt you.
but i handle the situation with care.

i don't understand why you just can't stop.
it's like you don't remember what we had, and i had gone through.

it hurts.
but i don't want to cry anymore.
enough of you hurting me.
all i can pray for now is your happiness with them.
and hope i find something better.

<3 suryani

red light.

when will it be that guys would be able to understand women???
i'm not saying we're easy to understand.
yes, women are complicated.
but have you men not watched a single chick flick?
or even a romance movie? ... or any movie with some sort of LOVE in it??

the least you could do is to learn from the movies.
and that's already so sappy anyway, it's more than enough.

i honestly think that i am not only thinking about myself,
i understand why some certain person might think so,
but they have it the wrong way!
i am a person, a woman, FULL of negative thoughts.
yes, that's bad for whom ever that gets me.
but doesn't mean that you have to make it all the more worse by helping me further expand my negative thoughts!
yes, from there, you're going to say that i'm only thinking about me,
but, what the hell!
i am NOT thinking about me, that's for both of us!

ARGHHH!
is there anyonee.. ANYONE at all that understands what i'm rambling about right now!
*pulls hair*

<3 suryani

is blooming good or bad?

i haven't blogged for so long,
mostly because i've been swamped with assignments.
i still have one more to go,
but that one won't take as long :)

anyway, i've been down with the flu for the past 4-5 days.
now that i've typed it out, i think that is unusually long and i should go see the doctor.
but my voice is starting to sound better, i think.
let's just wait it out over the public holiday and see how i am on tues!
then we'll just go from there.

so, how have i been feeling?
you know me, i like to think of random things in my head.
lately, it surrounds a lot over who i am, if anyone honestly cares for me, painful things playing over and over in my head, and the likes.
i can't help but think negative things.
it's who i am.
but the least someone could do about this is, not to tell me to stop thinking negatively, but to reassure me that all this negativity is just in my head.
because, you know, often my guts are correct.
and i can't help but think otherwise.

haih. why must life in 2011 be so complicated.
it's only half of the year, and i think i'm already starting to get eye bags for thinking too much and too much depression.

<3 suryani

incessantly

When we are able to let go of all the negative thoughts,
our days become much more brighter and happier.
No worries to make us wrinkle faster,
just take each step as it comes.

But today I have been fretting over this one particular Joget song I've been trying to figure out since last year!
And I was just sitting there with 3 other people,
humming, or something similar to humming, to find out if they know the tune!
And one person actually called their mom all the way in Malaysia to ask.
It's a song everybody has heard of, so popular that no one actually knows the name!
And I'm just drowned with unease trying to figure it out cos I want to use it in the Malaysian Carnival 2011!

I have tried every combination of word searches in Google, and in youtube.
None were successful.
I have repeated that hum so many times to so many people, that I might just throw up when I finally find the real song.
The last resort was to e-mail the person that I saw dance to this song on youtube,
and hoping that person will reply, cos she didn't reply my youtube comment!

I know, it sounds like I'm becoming so obsessed with this,
and I've dragged 4 other people with me,
one of which is someone's mother! LOL!

If you were there, I'd drag you in too!

Aside from that, I've bought my new umbrella,
one that I've always wanted since I saw it in Dublin's Topshop way back in... 2008?
I waited for it to rain then only did I go home,
partly cos no one else was hanging out at the usual place.

I've got no lecture tomorrow,
so to sum it all up, my days are happy, happy days.
Let's hope tomorrow's weather won't be as bad as todays!

<3 suryani

didn't they say the world was round?

i think this is partly how my world works.
and i think it's very similar to a lot of other people.

i'm fortunate enough to have close friends and best friends around me.
i'm actually closer to these group of friends than i am to my family.
well, in the sense that i talk more to them about... stuff.
i don't know, i don't say i love you, or i miss you, or hug my family lovingly.
but they know i love them, they know i miss them.
they know, without me having to show.
i don't tell my family stories that much, cos i know their reaction.
but doesn't mean i love them any less.

i always get lectured at though, for spending time with friends when i should with family.
but that's normal lah, for when we were young, we may not have our priorities set straight.
now it's the other way around!... or balanced.

i love to share everything with my close friends, my best friends.
that's how we update each other, how we learn to know more about each other.
and best thing is, you know it stays between you and them.
you can talk about random things, current events, or anything else flowing in your head.
doesn't have to be a straight train of thought.
just say what ever it is that pops into your head.

i share it all with them,
if i don't, i'm saving too much in my head, which we all know from experience isn't a good idea to keep it all to yourself.
mentally, psychologically, emotionally...? okay that last one might be redundant.
there is no reason for doubt, no reason for holding back.

there's actually a reason for me to say all of this. in this post.
but i don't quite know how to put it into words.
the reason for this.
it's a bowl of puzzles, that i haven't pieced together yet to make sense of why i'm saying all of this.
of course, when i do, i will make sure to post it up.

but i hope for the time being,
i still have my friends to count on,
and i just hope for everything that's happened,
i don't know why it had to happen at the same time,
you guys can still count on me and trust me whole-heartedly.
i would never do anything to jeopardize friendships that aren't that common to find.

arielle, christine, laila, leandro, stef

<3 suryani

if we ever meet again

i would never let it get it to the point where we fight over something so useless and nonexistent, that we lose so many precious moments in our life.
like our friends getting engaged, or our friends getting married.
or they have kids.

when everyone's better and okay,
you'll look back and think, how did we get this way?
we lost so many years over stupid things.
and we can never get those years back.

so let it be now that we learn to become mature and be the stronger, more sensible person.
make everything okay again, even if you're unsure.
it's the right thing to do :)

i'll have to wait a while for the timing to be right.
usually i'm asleep and she's awake on the other side of the world!

<3 suryani

gain some and lose some :)

i'm not stupid.
i'm not saying i'm a genius either.
but yea, i can still put 2 and 2 together.

until now i don't understand why it happened.
but what has happened has taught me a great deal.
i've never seen someone as deceiving as you.
and i've never befriended someone as deceiving as you.

i'll never forget it, cos i felt a lot of hurt and you just went about with your careless ways.
but i definitely can move on, because one thing TCK life has taught me,
is that real friends stick by you no matter what.
they don't have to be in contact all the time,
but they will know when something is wrong and they will be there for me.

i have 3 of those already, even tho they're so far away.
silly me for trying to include you, when you obviously do not care about anyone's happiness but yourself.
maybe cos we're so far apart, i'm not sure.
maybe.
but distance shouldn't affect friendship if that friend is loyal.
i try to make friends happy, not because they will like me,
but because it makes me happy to see them happy.
and happiness is contagious.

i admit i was wrong about a few people,
but now, i've just learned more about being independent and strong :)

unlike you.

<3 suryani

if it's an enemy you want, it's a friend you'll lose.

i've been pretty emotional lately.
and i think i've stated this before.
but it's still going on.
just comes to show that it's not pms.

i've been lashing out a lot on twitter,
cos i don't think lashing out on a blog, every second of everyday would be good use of a blog.
since that is what twitter is for, better there than here.
people don't know this, but if you look closely, i talk about more than just one problem/person.
as it comes to my mind, i just type it.
there's no particular pattern whatsoever.

only one person in twitter actually knows one of the problems i'm talking about.
and well, i trust this person won't blurt it out to anyone.
this person probably doesn't care enough anyway.
but this person has heard the pain i went through.
enough to understand why i'm like this.

even tho my twitter friends don't really read my blog,
mostly cos they don't know i've got one,
i'm sorry to those who actually have to put up with it on twitter.
i know it's like spamming.
but hey, i know it fills up your free time reading stuff on your newsfeed anyway. hehe.

well, for one of the problems i constantly tweet abt,
i've definitely come to the conclusion that,
i have done my best, i have done my part.
even tho i've made this conclusion, there will be times i will suddenly remember it again cos i remember all the unnecessary little things, and get angry. but i will move on.
i shouldn't try to chase something that obviously doesn't mean anything to other people.
i should focus on people who care for me,
who appreciate what i do for them, and i appreciate what they do for me.

friendship is, after all, a two way street.

<3 suryani

and a boom.

i can't stop thinking about it,
and i can't stop to think about what will be...

i can't let go that easily...
but it seems as though i have to because this can't last forever...
i don't know what i'm supposed to do with this broken heart.
where i'm supposed to go from here.

i was just doing my assignments just now...
but still, i can see it lingering in my mind...
anger. sadness.
wanting to scream, but wanting to cry my eyes out.
there is nowhere i can go to about this...
i'm alone at home right now, and all i can do is think about.

i'm lost.
and alone.

<3 suryani

a shoulder to lean on

i had a good talk with my bestfriend christine,
and all i needed was a little support.
had to come a long way though, for me to find it all the way in the states.

i told her every single thing going on in my life right now,
i described to her the pain i go through every day and every night, crying my eyes out like never before.
and all i needed was someone to understand how i feel.
i couldn't have found it in a better person, than christine :)

she reassured me the person that i am,
she reassured me that it wasn't me but the people around me.
basically, she read my thoughts, and reassured me she thinks the same too.

note that the address to my blog has changed,
some huge drama happened these past couple of days.
i had to change it. so now it is more private than ever.

<3 suryani

silently, painfully

what have i gotten myself into?
as i read those words, i can see the change in my mood..
i can be pretty emotional... and only one person knows that.
but that one person, doesn't seem to understand that i am a woman,
and can only go through so much.
if you'd like to compare yourself to me, then maybe i'd be better off being a lesbian.

i love my friends.
but my friends hurt me.
i love that one person.
but that one person hurts me.
.... i love my family...
they don't hurt me, i actually hurt them maybe at times,
but that's to be understood, and family is forever.
so that's a different story.

as i type this, the tears just keep gushing out.
i know it sounds sappy, but i can't seem to get that feeling away.
that feeling that i have no one.
yes, you ask can ask me that golden question all you want,
but i can never give you a straight answer...
i am indeed in denial.

i know i deserve better.
it sounds like i think of myself too much by saying that,
but i know i do.
but i don't understand why i give in to all of this anyway.

i'd like for someone to ask me that golden question,
and for me to be able to answer it and be convinced of it myself,
answering proudly.
like i used to.

when can i ever find that one person who will truly care about me?
i dont care... a friend, or a "closer" friend, or a friend friend.. which ever.
i've got Arielle and Christine in New York,
fat chance of me ever going there.
and with the time difference, by the time i get a hold of them,
the emotional ride is over, and the cycle goes back to where i don't want to talk about it.

at times like these, i'd call that one person.
but i don't have that one person anymore.
isn't someone i knew back then, time has changed people.

argh. i know i'm babbling.
i might not be making any sense towards the end of this entry.

ah, well. a fake smile is what everyone believes to be me a happy me so far,
i'll just keep putting it on as long as no one sees through it :)

<3 suryani

new is good.

i'm so excited.
the break is turning out to be pretty good so far.

let me show you my latest trial at photography.
thank you, sifu acis!



<3 suryani

efffinn perrrrrfect.

who knew?
now i don't have to think about it anymore.
and i can be carefree about it too :)
it'll be a bit weird... but i'm not new at it :)

single and ready to mingle.
although, there's not a lot of variety here. LOL!

<3 suryani

n/a

i have never felt my lonely in my entire 5 years here.
what can i do if i never have anything in common with anybody...?
i don't know what i'm doing wrong...
it's just me being me.
i guess i'm just an outsider... never being able to fit in.
temporarily landing in a place that just gives me more life experience to be hurt from.

what this does to me is just make me stronger when i get out of it...
but what makes it worse is that people assume i can hold myself together
when the truth is... i really can't.
not by myself.

<3 suryani

wouldn't be our honor?

undoubtedly, some people here very much make it obvious of what's more important to them.
i really wish summer didn't have to end.
i got to be friends with those i've never been that close to before.
but at the same time, i wanted summer to end,
to show me the pain-staked truth.

i know i shouldn't be making a big deal out of it,
but as i've mentioned so many times before,
good friends are hard to come by.
especially for me.

i haven't always been this social person you see in me now.
i've only recently discovered this ability.
ive traveled from country to country, school to school...
knowing quite possibly that i won't be seeing most of my friends again.
or they would forget me.
so it's not surprise that i take friendship to the heart.

since uni's started,
i've been feeling quite... alone.
more like, the odd one out.
work is what keeps me going.
at first, i thought, could it be because i've been here for so long
and most of the people that arrived the same year have already left?

but, wait a minute, i was never that close with the rest of them anyway.
sure, i'd see them from time to time,
sit with them at lunch sometimes,
go on outings with them.
so what makes it different this time around?

even worse, there are so many things in me that i can never let out.
that i can only keep to myself.
so what do i do...?

i've been feeling a little depressed.
a little upset.
a little alone.

should i see a therapist?? -__-"

<3 suryani

insensitivity

just when i wanted to make up my mind about something,
you go and make a move that definitely makes me think again,
or actually help me go the other way.

<3 suryani

hearts.

if you have something to hide,
then only do you know this cannot go on.

sucks to find this out 5 minutes into Valentine's Day.

<3 suryani

tell me who's that girl

i might be done with blogging soon.
i think Tumblr is the way to go.
no one knows it's me except for a few people,
but everyone knows how i feel.

how does it feel for someone to appreciate what you've been doing to keep the distance feel shorter? <3 suryani

cry a little

it looks so nice and happy to be in love...
to have someone care about you so much.. they understand.

makes me a little sad and depressed... -___-"

<3 suryani

walk away

people move on.
they moved on.
he moved on.
and so should i.

<3 suryani

life's a rollercoaster

I tell myself to not ask questions that I don't have the right to know answers to.
It's hard to.. but I just have to.

I get nauseous.
I feel really depressed.

<3 suryani

realization

i catch myself spacing out a lot recently.
thinking of what was, what might've.. what could've been.

i really thought this was it.
but silly me for thinking i was worth it.

valentine's day is coming soon. i hope i don't realize the day it does, cos i just do not want to feel more lonely that i already am.

<3 suryani

simply solitude.

i can't seem to do the right thing nowadays...
it's like my life is falling apart.
this has got to be the worst but yet... best summer ever.

i'm tired all the time.
my eyes are red, veins popping everywhere.
i feel like i want to sleep forever.
can i just stop studying?
i don't want to study anymore... i'm the most stupid person ever.
i don't know what i'm doing in masters. :(

i'm in need of a distraction especially.
i can't seem to do the right thing...
and i just can't watch :'(

<3 suryani

of tired feet and motivation

it seems that blogging is the way to go if i want to lash everything out.
for a long time, i forgot that i could do that here...
cos i got all carried away with facebook, twitter, and tumblr.
tumblr is such an awesome place to show my feelings without anyone knowing it's me...
but it's just not the same as typing it out.
the relief i get.
it just isn't the same.

i worked closing today.
but before that, i slept for 3 hours, which is a miracle as i couldn't fall asleep last night...
no matter how much i twisted and turned.
had a proud moment as MASCA SA 2009/2010 won the Adelaide City Council's Community Event of the Year award.
had a celebratory brunch with the rest later...
slept for another hour and went to do some hard labor.

highlight of my shift today was that there werent a lot of customers so i did so so well.
second highlight, i met two singaporean women that told me my parents should be so lucky to have a daughter like me... "so hardworking".
made me smile a little inside to know people can see that in me...

i waited for the bus to go home,
and as i sat, i saw colorful sparks in the night sky far away.
it's Aussie Day, so all i could do was enjoy it from the bus stop.

at that very moment, all i could feel was the night air, and a little drop of lonely.
but it's okay, i tell myself, there will be better days.

<3 suryani

an emotional ride

officially left behind.
it's 3.19am and i'm supposed to wake up in less than 5 hours.
i'm not sure how i'm gonna do it,
if i'll ever wake up,
cos it seems so much better to sleep this off and wake up to something new.

tough times.
these past couple of weeks,
my body feels really tired.
my head feels so heavy, as though i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
which is ridiculous, as i am only one person.

people say i'm strong and confident,
but no one should ever have to be alone at tough times.
so much has changed for me this summer...
i don't know how much more i can take.

<3 suryani

random thought.

You want a guy's perspective? Ask your Dad.

Me: Dad, how can I be sure if a guy really likes me or not?

Dad: If a guy really likes you, he would do whatever it takes to be yours. You see, there are two kinds of "being interested". One is, when a guy likes you but has his heart open to other girls. This is the kind that isn't so serious about being serious. The other kind of "being interested" is the kind that I want a guy to be interested in you. This is the kind whose eyes are set on you, and only you. No other girls. The one that sends you those long text messages on how much he means to you, gives you goodmorning and goodnight calls telling you to have a good day and to have sweet dreams. If a guy really wants to you to be his, he wouldn't be ashamed to introduce you his friends and even better, his family. I would want you to have a guy that when he looks into my daughter's eyes, he feels like he doesn't belong anywhere else but your heart.

this.

<3 suryani