and a boom.

i can't stop thinking about it,
and i can't stop to think about what will be...

i can't let go that easily...
but it seems as though i have to because this can't last forever...
i don't know what i'm supposed to do with this broken heart.
where i'm supposed to go from here.

i was just doing my assignments just now...
but still, i can see it lingering in my mind...
anger. sadness.
wanting to scream, but wanting to cry my eyes out.
there is nowhere i can go to about this...
i'm alone at home right now, and all i can do is think about.

i'm lost.
and alone.

<3 suryani

a shoulder to lean on

i had a good talk with my bestfriend christine,
and all i needed was a little support.
had to come a long way though, for me to find it all the way in the states.

i told her every single thing going on in my life right now,
i described to her the pain i go through every day and every night, crying my eyes out like never before.
and all i needed was someone to understand how i feel.
i couldn't have found it in a better person, than christine :)

she reassured me the person that i am,
she reassured me that it wasn't me but the people around me.
basically, she read my thoughts, and reassured me she thinks the same too.

note that the address to my blog has changed,
some huge drama happened these past couple of days.
i had to change it. so now it is more private than ever.

<3 suryani

silently, painfully

what have i gotten myself into?
as i read those words, i can see the change in my mood..
i can be pretty emotional... and only one person knows that.
but that one person, doesn't seem to understand that i am a woman,
and can only go through so much.
if you'd like to compare yourself to me, then maybe i'd be better off being a lesbian.

i love my friends.
but my friends hurt me.
i love that one person.
but that one person hurts me.
.... i love my family...
they don't hurt me, i actually hurt them maybe at times,
but that's to be understood, and family is forever.
so that's a different story.

as i type this, the tears just keep gushing out.
i know it sounds sappy, but i can't seem to get that feeling away.
that feeling that i have no one.
yes, you ask can ask me that golden question all you want,
but i can never give you a straight answer...
i am indeed in denial.

i know i deserve better.
it sounds like i think of myself too much by saying that,
but i know i do.
but i don't understand why i give in to all of this anyway.

i'd like for someone to ask me that golden question,
and for me to be able to answer it and be convinced of it myself,
answering proudly.
like i used to.

when can i ever find that one person who will truly care about me?
i dont care... a friend, or a "closer" friend, or a friend friend.. which ever.
i've got Arielle and Christine in New York,
fat chance of me ever going there.
and with the time difference, by the time i get a hold of them,
the emotional ride is over, and the cycle goes back to where i don't want to talk about it.

at times like these, i'd call that one person.
but i don't have that one person anymore.
isn't someone i knew back then, time has changed people.

argh. i know i'm babbling.
i might not be making any sense towards the end of this entry.

ah, well. a fake smile is what everyone believes to be me a happy me so far,
i'll just keep putting it on as long as no one sees through it :)

<3 suryani

new is good.

i'm so excited.
the break is turning out to be pretty good so far.

let me show you my latest trial at photography.
thank you, sifu acis!



<3 suryani

efffinn perrrrrfect.

who knew?
now i don't have to think about it anymore.
and i can be carefree about it too :)
it'll be a bit weird... but i'm not new at it :)

single and ready to mingle.
although, there's not a lot of variety here. LOL!

<3 suryani

n/a

i have never felt my lonely in my entire 5 years here.
what can i do if i never have anything in common with anybody...?
i don't know what i'm doing wrong...
it's just me being me.
i guess i'm just an outsider... never being able to fit in.
temporarily landing in a place that just gives me more life experience to be hurt from.

what this does to me is just make me stronger when i get out of it...
but what makes it worse is that people assume i can hold myself together
when the truth is... i really can't.
not by myself.

<3 suryani