abandonment issues.

get ready for a really long entry. an entry that might allow you to get to know me a little bit more.

u know what kind of makes me hate myself?
hate my life sometimes?

is when i think about what could have happened.

this mostly happens when i log into facebook.
i see all my friends from previous schools.
so all these questions come up in my mind..
then i start imagining how my life would be.

what if i never left ISKL?
would i still be great friends with these people that i often see photos of?
having fun... stylish but at the same time not really stylish.
it's just what they wear... so to them it's just something simple.
care-free.
dont think about what others think about them.
having a large circle of friends that support you in whatever you do and actually give you encouragement.

what if i never left laguardia high school?
not to brag, but just to introduce the story so you know...
i was in honor classes for both french and math.
so... would my french be fluent?
would i be a math genius?
i've always loved math.. but ever since i graduated high school...
it all left.
i mean.. i don't learn it much in my course now.
would i still be studying in the states?
would i be going back to new york every winter break?

when i look at all the pictures..
it makes me hate my life.. where i am standing now.
okay.. let me story a little bit.

i've never stayed in a country for more than 4 years at a time.
it's always 4 yrs here... then 2 yrs back in malaysia.
then off to another country for 4 yrs.. then back to malaysia for 2 yrs.
and it continues.
i've never lived in malaysia for more than 6 years in total.
those 2 yrs going back and forth?
add them up and you'll get... give or take about 6 years.
do you know how hard it is for a kid to cope with the surroundings and make new friends?
be comfortable with those friends?
love those friends?
then to have it all taken away cos their parents have to move to another country?

i would have to say ISKL and LaGuardia High School were the 2 most lovable schools for me.
those were places i had real good friends.
i had 4 best friends in ISKL.
i still remember how we all met.
we did everything together.
we always had sleep overs.
we car-pooled.
we gossiped.
we even made prank calls to whoever each other had a crush on.
i still remember... i made a call to a guy called Tod for one of my best friends called Karin.
i was stupid back then. haha.
so i never thought to disguise my voice or anything.
Tod immediately recognized my voice.
and i think i was like..."what?? no... " trying to cover up.
but it didn't work.
obviously when the next day in school he looked at me weirdly.
hahaha.

but you know,
all those days had to go..
when i had to leave for new york.
nobody in the class knew i was gonna leave.
it was over the summer.
once 7th grade started... my name was called out to give my class schedule.
but my best friends had shouted out that i had left.
they told me that some people asked questions and some were surprised.
it kind of made me sad.
cos afterwards... our friendship broke apart.
one started to go one way..
the 2nd started to go another way...
and you know how it goes.
we weren't the same anymore.

i visited once afterwards.
but only a few people remembered me.
there were already new students in the class.

LaGuardia.
it's actually a question of .. what if i never left new york.
i had really good friends there too.
the ones who stick out for me...
who even spent my last day right after school with me.
bought me presents and had a going away event for me.
to list some... christine, arielle, leandro, cristina, stephanie, nicole, barry, bernard, jose, jessica, eghe...
the ones i usually chill with and talk to.
there were so many more.
having fun and wasting our time in the double period art class. (since i was an art major)
helping each other out during other classes..
doing our own thing and not listening to the teachers in biology..history...
making fun of the chemistry teacher who was gay (no problem with gay people) and using terms "this guy" and "that guy" for particles (which is what we had a problem with).
it was like "this guy crowds around that guy and they hold on to each other very tight which makes it a something-or-other bond."
lol
sticking with each other for lunch periods cos we wouldn't all have the same lunch time.
we went shopping right after classes..
it's new york.
you can go shopping on any street.
taking the subway and making so many noises like it was just us and no one else.
i remember once we had a whole car to ourselves.
i don't remember why though.
we ran around, climbed the seats, took pictures... sang.. shouted.

but all of that is gone.
only about 3 of them still keep in touch.
and that's if they see an update and then they would remember.
i remember.. arielle cried cos her mom wouldn't let her spend my last day with me around the city.
when we had to send christine home cos her mom wouldn't let her out too long..
we all cried on the sidewalk next to the sago (bubble tea) shop.
arielle was the first person i called and cried to when i found out i had to leave for south africa.
i was mad at my parents.
but no matter how much i cried...
no matter how red my face gets...
no matter how hard it was for me to breathe...
i couldn't change their mind to let me stay.

now that's all gone.
i was never that close to the friends in AISJ in south africa.
they were already a clan before i got there so i sort of just a visitor, an extra.
i had problems before.
of being social.
i was shy, liked to keep to myself... and kind of a loner.
now im starting to get better ..social-wise.
but there's still a part of me that's not so accepting of other people.
i kind of get mad and sensitive when there's an issue of abandoning friends.
or even if i feel abandoned just a little bit.
cos that's what's been happening to me since i was small.
not by family. but by friends who i really connected with.
of course i couldn't blame them.
it wasn't them that had to move away.

a long time ago, there used to be a time when i was friends with every ethnicity.. a variety of nationalities.
now i'm in a place where it's kind of hard to make friends with other nationalities.
but thankfully i have my malaysian buddies.
there used to be a time when i go out, it would be with a circle of friends that always remember to let me in.
but now mostly its just about 3-4 people?
sometimes there are those gatherings that we plan.
we go bowling... go sight seeing.
crabbing. cooking together then eating together.
the villagers and some others, when they're there.
those are the times i really love.
when you get home you have someone to talk to.
i'll have to pass someone's door.
i don't even get to put my bag down or change my clothes...and we're already talking in the hallway.
when there's so many people around you.
you feel that if you fall... there will always be a friend around to hold on to.

but then.
if i never left iskl...
if i never left new york...
who know's where i'd be?
i might not be as successful at continuing my studies as i am now.
i might not be as independent as i am now.
i might not be able to meet the friends i have made in australia.
i might not have met my B.
i might not be as lucky as i am now.

most important of all,
i might not be the person i am today.

so it kind of balances out.
when i think of all the what-ifs...
there's always the "might nots" that will balance it out.

p.s. sorry for the random blog entry. i had just logged into facebook. haha.

p.p.s. just so that no one gets the wrong idea about this blog.. i meant to say that i cherish the moments and the friends. then. and now. :) <3 suryani

i actually wanted to update this blog with something more... fun to read about.
like the suasana of boxing day in Dublin, Ireland.
but i lost my train of happy thoughts...
kind of lingered into a bad mood.
so strike that.

but then i wanted to watch something.
anything before i sleep.
so i went to youtube.
looked into x-factor videos.
then ended up with akademi fantasia videos.
i know.
WTFISHHHHHH??!!!! right?

i don't know what got into me.
i never followed AF6.
i didn't even know it was up to 6.
i just searched and it only went up to 6.
i don't even know who the winner is.
i don't even wanna know who the winner is.

but i'll tell you what..
it made me laugh real hard.
like.. ROFL... as i am currently lying on the floor.
i donno lah.
it was fun to watch and follow.. maybe during the first 3 seasons?
or maybe just the first two.
but now it's just... mere entertainment.
not-looking-for-a-potential-singing-celebrity kind of crap.
they even have people winning things if they vote thru sms the most.
like... winning... big, expensive things.
i think a car... or an apartment.
whatever shiyat.
but D-UH!
who wouldn't want to vote?!

but whatever it is,
it was fun to watch.
very entertaining.
let's all audition for it, shall we?
it's an experience, we know that much.

and who knows...maybe we can learn better from it.

<3 suryani